Hello, Kitty!

Aren't these kitties cute? Maren, this blog post is just for you.
Love and kittens,
Joyce

i am what puffy likes to eat.

I want to help all of you to understand how strange both Japan and my job are. Here are some of the things I have been told to say in class in the last few days:

"Constipated! Constipated! Constipated!"
"I always cover my dung." "I always cover my dung."
"I am what Puffy likes to eat." "I am what Puffy likes to eat."

I didn't dare ask who, or what, a Puffy was. The whole sentence sounded wrong. But I was supposed to be a crab. That much I was sure of. I'm thinking Puffy might have been Buffy, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Does anyone watch that show? Does Puffy like crab?

Now I'm going to tell you the story of constipated!

Due to senior graduation, my schedule has been completely turned on its head and I am now teaching with 3 English JTEs with whom I have never taught before. One of these people is insane. This story isn't about him though. One of these teachers is the new bright and shiny part of my day. Here's the only photo I have of him (which may give you an idea of why he is AWESOME).

On Friday we went to 2-6 together. I walk in. Class hasn't started yet. He tells me, onaka ga itai (my stomach hurts). Oh, I'm sorry I say. He turns back to the podium and leans on it, tapping his fingers restlessly and staring out at the class as they chatter amongst themselves. A few moments pass in silence, as I stand next to him and stare out at the class as well. From the serious look on his face I pick up with a quick peripheral glance, I assume we are contemplating their education, their futures, the fate of Okinawan... but then he turns back to me, blinks from behind his glasses and says in dead seriousness,

"I have diarrhea."

Ehhh, oh. I stutter back. He takes that as words of condolence, he nods, turns back out to face the class and exclaims in Japanese, "I have diarrhea!" "I have diarrhea, today my stomach doesn't feel good! Gas!"

Oh, too bad. The kids are in sympathy. Right, they don't seem to think this is weird. Then they start talking in Fast Japanese (a language I don't speak well) for a few minutes. Sensei turns back to me and says,

Yes, can you please write it on the board?

Uhhh, write what? I stutter again.

Diarrhea, yes please could you please give us the spelling? He nods encouragingly.

Well, you all know my spelling abilities. Like, as if each one of these blog entries doesn't get spell-checked twice and still have mistakes. I tell him I don't actually know how to spell that.

More Fast Japanese with students.

How about the other one? He queries. You know, Hand motions at his rear-end, then stomach and a bit of a batsu X made with his hand. Then ... No!

Luckily, I have become very good at figuring such speech out. Don't think that time has been spent in vain, ha!

Constipated? I ask.

Yes! That's right! Can you please share with us the spelling of that word on the board?

Suuuuuuure I can! I pick up a piece of pink chalk and write CONSTIPATED in giant block letters. Everyone stares at it.

Con-, conpi-, consuto-, conupa-, consuchi- Sensei tries to pronounce the word a few times in vain. The kids are also looking at it as if it is a habu snake.

Please, Joyce. You will read for us? Well, ok!

This is how I find myself shouting, "constipated!" "constipated!" "constipated!"

Everyone, try to repeat after Joyce! Sensei shouts, clearly enjoying himself (but not for any of the obvious reasons. Simply because we are learning new vocabulary).

I watch a sea of 30 kids frunch their brows and chorus, "conusuchipeeeto!"
Over. And over. And over again.

Wait, it gets better. Then sensei decides we need to practice this new word. He goes down the rows of students and one by one, asks each of them,

"[name], are you constipated?" Followed by a friendly smile and fatherly blink from behind his glasses. "No, I'm not constipated" answered each student. Until we got to the third row. Then, the kid in front answered, "Yes! I'm constipated!" Oh, the honesty. It kills me.

Tell me readers: what would happen in your respective cultures if an uncool, lanky kid in glasses in the front row said "I am constipated!" in front of the entire class? Not what happened here (and don't worry for not having figured out that this was coming, if you didn't. I wasn't expecting it at the time either).

You are?! Yes!!! Cries the teacher. Everyone claps. You are a winner, he informs the child. But hold on. We continue up and down the rows, just to make sure that no more constipated winners are lurking amongst us. As the last boy answers, "no I am not constipated," the teacher whirls around, races back to Lanky Glasses, grabs his arm and yanks him to his feet with a fist in the air shouting "You are the Champion! You are the champion!" and we have another round of applause, plus a few giggles from the kids who are with me on this one (surprisingly few).

What do you think this kid won? No don't guess, it's wrong. After all the cheers he got for not drinking his 8 cups a day, he got quite a disappointing prize. He got sent up to the front of the class to be blessed with a 2-minute real-life ekaiwa (English conversation) practice session with me.

Despite some suggestive eyebrow raises from sensei, I resolutely refused to utilize our new vocabulary and ask the child whether he was constipated during our chat.

Here's a picture of this class. Maybe it will help you understand more about them:

Interesting Facts about Japan #3

* In the coffee section of the ubiquitous beverage vending machines here, there is a drink that I have always found to be surrounded by an air of mystery. UNTIL NOW. It's called "deepresso". Being who I am, I had never put much thought into why this coffee was called that, I just figured it had to do with depression... possibly it was reverse caffeinated? And steered clear. Yesterday, Jeff's ingenious friend J revealed the secret of deepresso: it's deep roasted espresso! But as Jeff points out, this is too long to fit on the can, and the Japanese are a people who very much like to make things shorter.

* There is no Ladies Night in Okinawa, except at the bar where a particular someone (whose name shall remain undisclosed) works. However, there is Ladies Day at the gas station. That's right JET ladies: were you aware that your gas might be 10 cents cheaper than the man's liter if you show up on the right day? You should ask. They've got this on Sunday at my station.

* If you buy a bottle of awamori (Okinawan rice liquor) at an izakaya (Japanese bar), you can consume part of it, and leave the rest there. The bar will keep your bottle in their storage area under your name for up to 2 months, and you can keep drinking from it every time you come.

LEFT: neko-chan guards a bottle of awamori and the bell one rings to get more awamori at a local bar.

* Japanese people are obsessed with point cards. Every place you go in this country has a point-o kaado that they swipe/stamp for you every time you shop there: the grocery store, the gas station, restaurants, department stores. After 7 months here, I must say I have yet to see a single one my point cards bear fruit (and I've got at least 5, cuz my supervisor signed me up for all of them in my first week here). How many hundreds of dollars of groceries do I have to buy at Kanehire before I get my measly 500 yen off??? Like $1,000. Whaaaaat, you're thinking. That's just depressing. Give up the point cards now, or don't even bother. The funny thing is, Japanese people are really enthusiastic about these incentives. I mean, these folks are in it for the long haul. Tell an America that you have to shop at one particular grocery store for 2 years every week and then you'll give them the equivalent of one box of free cereal and they'll rip that up and throw it back in your face. I want my free stuff NOW! I want buy one get one FREE! I want a coupon I can hold in my hand for 50 cents off my next can of kidney beans. Are you guys with me on this? Patience is definitely a virtue that Japanese society has more of than I do. And yet, I'm still handing my point cards over, every time.

I hope you now feel one step closer to understanding my way of life.

the best

AHHH! The funniest valentines day card yet made its appearance yesterday. Here it is.

my Dragon Boat Racing team

ROAR! I may have mentioned to a few of you that I joined a Dragon Boat Racing team several months ago. Japanese Dragon Boat racing is called Harii... or any spelling variation thereof. Its from the Chinese word for `dragon`, so Im told. My team likes to transcribe it Harlee, because our leader drives a Harley motorcycle and he thinks it makes us sound like we`ve got more power between our legs. Eh. Either way our girls team is still called the Pink Pandas so I`m counting on that name counterbalancing any power the harlee punch was packing.

I joined this team one week before they ended seasonal practice and took a 4-month break for winter. I went to some practices but not many people were there, nor did they really involve boats (rather, a large fellow in spandex smiling and shouting for me and Jon to keep up with the ten billion sets of squats we had been roped into, having thought we were just going to `observe`. And then they made Jon roll metal weights up and down his shins and he must have scars to prove it). Meaning that I actually had only met a handful of people on the team, 5 months ago. So this past Saturday I was invited to the team New Years party, despite not really feeling a part of the team or knowing anyone. You're thinking that its a little late for New Years festivities... ah, but you are wrong. We were celebrating the Chinese New Year. Above and to the left you can see what Dragon Boat Racing (which begins in May) looks like.

I almost didn't go to this party, because truth be told I have been doubting the decision to join the Dragon Boat Racing team ever since I made it. In order to protect myself from sounding lame, let me explain the circumstances under which I joined the Pink Panda team. This explanation shall be interspersed with some party photos, to liven it up.

Here you see what I have dubbed the Funnel Of Death. There was a massive earthenware jug full of awamori (which is about 40% alcohol, I think) at our party. The bamboo dipper you see in the photo above was supposed to be used to dip awamori from the jug through a funnel into smaller clay teapots from which people would poor their poison. Around midnight, it began to be used thus instead: to drown poor Shi in alcohol. I hope he was ok the next day. I doubt it.

One night in October I found myself with some friends at Hinotama Hall (our favorite Japanese club). There was dancing, there was merriment, there was beer and loud loud music and that DJ who always makes shirtless appearances after 1am. Due to limited seating, we joined a group of Japanese people at their table. Lo and behold, these friendly folk turned out to be dragon boat racers. As we all swayed to the music in a drunken stupor and shouted to each other in mutually unintelligible languages over the din of blaring music, there came a moment where we felt The Bond of Friendship form. Our hearts beat as one heart! Our glasses clinked against each other to the same unearthly beat! (or was that just the bass?) Im sure you all know the Bond of Friendship from your own experiences being drunk with strangers. Anyway.

JOIN OUR TEAM OUR DRAGON BOAT RACING TEAM!!!!!! They cried to me.

YEEEEEEES! MOCHIRON, OF COURSE! I cried back. Bliss.

It seemed a spectacular idea at the time. Rowing! Something I've never done. Something I have never been (nor am I now) interested in doing. Exercise. Hm, I don't do that. Arms. No, I don't do those either.Japanese men are fine being touchy-feely if they are drunk. Don't you wish Americans were like this? (I know... CFS boys are!!!!! RepreSENT!)

The kimono-wearing girl was given one beer too many.

Well, not being in a high state of genkidom the weekend that this party rolled around (5 months after the Bond of Friendship had worn off), I still managed to drag myself out of the house to the party. I was half planning on telling them I'd given up and they could count me off their team... I'd be no good anyway, only drag them down and whatnot. But just about as soon as the alcohol started flowing, the team chief sat down next to me and began to talk about how wonderful it was that I had joined the team. Because international cooperation is key, and Okinawa really cares about cooperation between Americans and the islanders. They had been distressed for a long time because their men's team was international (having 2 Americans) but their ladies' team had been lagging. For months they have been anguishing: will Joyce actually join us in the Spring (or will she be a lame American, say she will do something and bow out when training starts?) But here I am, and they are filled with joy at my coming. Beam Beam Beam.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah!!!! Of course, I once again ended up enthusiastically agreeing to be on the team. But seriously, the people are great fun, and I think it'll be awesome. Practice starts March 4th. Wish me luck, I'm definitely going to need it.

But getting to wear the funny outfits they wear when racing is going to make up for everything. Plus, the simple fact that I can tell people I'm "on a dragon boat racing team". Deshou?

the secret of nabe

Ok ok, I`ll actually tell you why Nabe is a funny name for my car. Asta is right on: nabe means pot in Japanese. Isnt that funny enough, right there?

My car is Okinawan and clearly female, so after a nomikai (drinking party) one night I asked my female co-workers, "what is a typical Okinawan female name?" Shouko hiccoughs (being somewhat tipsy at the time this occurred), sways, ponders for a moment, raises her index finger and proclaims NABE!. Case closed.

Why would this be a name for a person, you are wondering. Before WWII, it wasn't uncommon for women in Okinawa to be named after common household kitchen items. One of these names was Nabe. So, thats pretty much just weird and hilarious by itself.

A last twist on the story is that the most famous woman poet in Okinawan history (my sources on this are Etsuko sensei and Jeff) was named Nabe. Onna Nabe (Ms. Pot Woman).

So its a good name! Respectibiggle (as some cheerful Marsh-wiggles might say) and full of Okinawan cultural history.

Valentine's Day Class

Yay! Another blog entry where we get to look at student handicrafts. I am doing Vday class this week because last week was finals. We don't let tests get in the way of exposure to American culture though, not here in Japan. Basically I threw colored markers and piles of colored paper at the kids and screeched, "barentainzu!" Then sat down on a chair and ignored them for 50 minutes. Poof. Here's what I got.

Once again, about a dozen thoughtful youngsters made their cards for Joyce Teacher. This one is my favorite. This guy loves me with all of his heat.
Then sometimes it's just nice to see someone this self assured:

And my favorite girl student in the whole school made me this beautiful card. Today was her b-day. You can see that she thanks me for the present I gave her (assorted stickers dug with haste out of my sticker drawer and thrown into my carrot ziplock bag from lunch, 5 minutes before class started, when I remembered her b-day).

My favorite card of all was this one. It was made by a 17 year old boy for his best friend Yoshito, who sits directly beside him. Yoshito was busily making Ryo a love card as well. Watching them scribble away right there beside each other and then exchange cards made my day. Imagine how good you would feel if you got this card from your friend:

Ok, what's up with the Japanese kids drawing eyeballs on all their hearts? Has anyone else noticed this? And the scary chick at the bottom... like, is that what love looks like?

This is how much sense Japanese people make when they speak English. My whole day at school is just nonsense sentences strung together like this card, to which i answer oh reary! and bob my head enthusiastically. The weird thing is, these kids had the Japanese translation of all these sentences on the print out I gave them. It wasn't as if they didn't understand what they were writing. Is this how they talk in Japanese too? I may never know, since I lost all interest in learning the language about one month after I got here (I think I forgot to tell most of you that.)

For some, the card making process was more spiritual than anything else.
And then once again, there were those with imaginary pets as their only loved ones.
Some kids kept the message simple and to the point.
there were those who, in their gleeful haste, failed to remember that this was an exercise in the English Language.
The straightforward:
The wondrously cute and cuddly.
I know I show you the cool ones. At the end of the day, most of them just look like this:

More about that

Wow. I was bombarded with emails about how funny you all thought my kids' test answers were. I guess I've gotten so used to it. I barely even realize the hilarity of Engrish. You know, it's not just tests that bring out funny English. My Every Day functions on a level only marginally above what was exposed in my last post, with most people. I even find myself modifying my speech in the hopes that I will be better understood. No more contractions. Nope. No more articles in places where its clear you don't need them (seriously, who needs articles at ALL anymore? They`re so 90s). These days I'm full of enthusiastic statements like,

`EHHHH?! You will go Tokyo for kurisumasu holiday?! Sugoi!`

An even worse example: I now consistently use then instead of so, in a sentence like,

`My kids have no school today, then, I take holiday leave.`

Japanese people really like to do that. I don't know why. But what they like... Joy-su likes. Except that this is really pronounced (by both myself and others) as den, since Japanese people have trouble with the interdental fricatives. No shame there, those things are tough!

I also have to teach funny English lessons sometimes. If the teacher doesn't ask me to edit their handout, I'm stuck agreeing with their Engrish. The hardest part is reading it out loud to the kids. You really have to concentrate hard to read what they've written and not say it correctly. Look, this is the lesson I taught today (kids got this on their handout too):

Screen de Lesson

Let`s learn English expressions while watching one Sheen of movie `Anastasia` and understand contents of the stories

10 years ago royalty family get separated because of the festivity of Rasputin. Anastasia is too young and does not have any memories of her past is brought up in an orphan home as Anya.This is scene where Anastasia is going to Paris for a trip of search for hereself. But The empress bets the prize money on looking for Anastasia and Anastasia meets with Domitri and Vladimir who aim at the prize money. But She has to get Visa to go to paris and meet with them

Let`s watch the Sheen!
- Expalin a meaning of each word.
- Practice pronaunciation.,

The darartd of Norbanbar and Erebor ate gaybytc on Weduesday.

The horrendous monotony of my day has been broken by Junko-sensei`s tests. She is one of the only senseis that actually takes me up on my desperate offers to grade tests (and you know I must be desperate if grading sounds like fun). Actually, grading tests IS pretty fun, as long as it`s written answers that you can laugh at (as opposed to A, B, C). This is exactly what I got today. Not only was I lucky enough to get written answers, everyone was required to write a 6 line dialogue for the final. Subject: bumping into Joyce in the hallway.

First let me say that Japanese kids rock out the spelling of English words. Not rock in a the sense of getting it right, but rock in an `oh my, that is AWESOMELY wrong but oh so funny` sense. Here are a few of the variations I got on these tests for the following words:

CABBAGE: gaybytc, green bowl, green leaf, cabets, chabet, cavage
DAUGHTER: darartd, douter, dorter, dauter, doughter, dauther
ELBOW: erebor, elbor, adley, elbo, ellbo, aible
WEDNESDAY: wemd day, wenedbay, weduesday (mixed that up with Tuesday!), webnesday
NOVEMBER: norbanbar

Last but definitively not least, a good 50% of the students wrote POPAI for... you guessed it. SPINACH. Not a single student wrote `spinach`. Several wrote hourensou (Japanese), and the rest left it blank. Everyone who didnt do either of those two things wrote POPAI (pop-eye). Lovin` it, y`all.

Now to the dialogues with Joyce. I will give you a few, since I am bored and clearly so are you, if you are blog surfing.













STUDENT Hello Joyce
JOYCE (silence)
STUDENT I Love Joyce
JOYCE (silence)
STUDENT Good bye. Joyce.
JOYCE See you!

STUDENT Hi joyce.
JOYCE How are you?
STUDENT I farin tancs.
JOYCE Farin too.
STUDENT Wart go to cras room?
JOYCE Yes! Bey!

STUDENT Hi Joyce teacher.
JOYCE Hi how are you how was test?
STUDENT Im soso. test was very tiyerd.
JOYCE Oh! Good Job!
STUDENT I felt so difficult is math. Sad.
JOYCE I`m can`t math too :-(

STUDENT Hi Joyce!
JOYCE Hellow, are you going to now?
STUDENT I going to cras room.
JOYCE Oh reary!
STUDENT yes!
JOYCE see you.

STUDENT Hi Joyce techer, How are you?
JOYCE Hi. I fain and you?
STUDENT I`m butt!
JOYCE OH. are you ok? Why?!
STUDENT today is test.
JOYCE I see! dont mind! but are you study very hard to do, FIGHT!!!

STUDENT Hi ms. Joyce. How are you?
JOYCE I fain tank you.
STUDENT It give me chocoreet in Barenterin? Yes who is it?
JOYCE I give she chocoreet for you.

STUDENT Good morning joyce.
JOYCE Hi chihiro.
STUDENT I love Joyce, give chocreat.
JOYCE Realy?
STUDENT Happy velentain!

STUDENT Good morning Joyce.
JOYCE Hi good morning.
STUDENT How are you?
JOYCE I fine and you?
STUDENT I fine thankyou and you?
JOYCE Oh... please listen to my SAYING!
STUDENT I`m kidding I sorry!

なべ the '93 Toyota Starlet

You may or may not know that the Chapman Women have a long tradition of naming our automobiles. Sandi`s poor Charlie (who had a troubled history of drugs and tinted windows) moved on to a new foster family several years back; I laid the faithful Petunia to rest, just before coming to Japan; Ruby Pearl (whose delicious, glossy paint we shall never forget) set out with a new job as a community organizer last year, headed south to work with FLOC (the Farm Labor Organizing Committee). In her place, mom welcomed Juanita (a bio-diesel who is more into character than flash) into the family. And I? I now drive a 1993 Toyota Starlet. Starlets were never marketed in American (go ahead, someone correct me, I know nothing of cars). Here she is:

I know what you're thinking... geez, Joyce is really into the Toyota type. She likes those small little Japanese cars: responsible, reliable, strong in emotional crisis... it's not like that! Pure coincidence, friends.

I blush to say that it has taken me 6 months to decide on a name for the lovely Starlet. But decided it is!

なべ。 Nabe.

If you aren't living in Okinawa, you are probably not guffawing at that name. Ha. It shall remain a mystery to you. Or maybe I'll have more energy to write more about it later.